QUEEN I 40 - I've been through so much, but I am here. Optimistic and continuing to love.

I am so excited to share Queen’s story and for you to read it. I hope you find it uplifting and hopeful.

Queen, share a little bit about your story.

“I was born in Long Island, NY. My oldest memory was me watching the flame flicker of a candle in a basement apartment. We lived in the South Bronx then on E.140th Street between Willis and Brooke Avenues. My parents were loving, but they had their own demons to battle, so I became a latch key kid early. We also moved around a lot. I went to nine schools in total. I have 2 brothers 37 and 27. I was pregnant at 15 and had an abortion, that following Valentine's Day. We lived in Baltimore then. It was a rough place. It's funny when I hear people talk about how great it is. I ask if they have seen shows like Homicide, The Wire, Rock, or The Corner; those are true depictions of the city. I gave birth to my first child on November 28, 1997, and passed away on April 8, 1998. I knew after that I needed to get out of Baltimore. I joined the Navy and was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. I have been in Hampton Roads my whole adult life, with the exception of six months being stationed in New Jersey. I met my first husband at 18, we were married by the time we were 22. We have two children together. He was from New Hampshire. My complete opposite, but we had so much passion and fun together until it wasn't. There were a lot of missteps and mistakes. I do wish I should've tried harder, but I knew we had outgrown each other and suffered too much. I love being in the Navy, I didn't get as far as I wanted to get but I believe I would've been promoted and done great things. My sexual assault changed my life. I became a drunk and an addict. I was always a little bit of a lush since I was 14-15 years old. The assault compounded some unhealed trauma in my life that I didn't even know about. I was in so much pain, my husband couldn't even help. He tried in his own way. It was an open secret, something we never spoke of. I begged for another baby. It was my way to cope. It kept me sober for a little while and it worked. What I didn't know is it would make my already fragile marriage splinter into pieces. The adage "hurt people, hurt people" is 100% accurate. We didn't know what to do. I went to the Navy's rehab program level 2 while my husband was deployed. The saving grace was my mother-in-law who stayed for a month to help me with 2 children under 7 and a dog. Soon I was separated from my husband, and living with another man who in turn moved back in with his spouse. The crazy choices we make. I was alone with no job and living on my own. It lasted that way for about a year. That year taught me I was stronger than I thought and I could survive yet again. Survival mode has been all I've truly known. No one else would know that by looking at me. Most believe I have it all together. I moved in with my soon-to-be husband #2 knowing it was a disaster from the start. He was a widower, a new widower. I read a book that told me to run if there were these X, Y, Z signs. Let’s say I did the opposite thing. He was not a fan of family and friends. There were insecurities, infidelity, and control issues from the start, but I thought if I could just comfort him there would be security. A half-million-dollar house and an extramarital child later helped me figure out this wasn't what anyone deserves. The ending was ugly, to say the least. Police, protection orders, and PTSD. It was all a mess. I do understand that I did contribute, but nothing is warranted when it comes to physical violence. We loved each other, we just what the other needed. I saw that and I tried to explain, but it came down to me ruining his life. As if, my life wasn’t ruined as well. Besides all of the drama, I hold a Master's of Arts degree in Business Administration. I have a few IT certifications and currently working on another. After that, I have one more certification that I want before I pursue my Master's of Science degree in Information Technology Management. I have been working for the government since my first job after the military. I have come a long way. I now manage a team of 4 including myself. I’m a woman in charge of men. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but in IT it is. I see a lot of change coming. I am waiting to break ground in my new home. It will be the first home I have ever purchased alone. I am so excited about that. I owned a wedding planning business for about 3 years called A Queen's Touch Events. It was great but exhausting. The pandemic put life into perspective and I can see I only built the business to stay out of my ex-husband's face. I am a member of the Hampton Roads Hepcat Honeys, we fundraise and have a love of vintage style. I plan to pledge Beta Theta Zeta, a graduate chapter of Zeta Phi Beta, Inc. It is one of the divine nine. I also plan to join Empow(H)er Cybersecurity professional group, just waiting for my application to be approved. My children are well. Running me around in circles, but not as much as they used to. Being a parent is tiring especially when the other can't participate from 7 states away. My daughter is moving into her own adulthood. I see her making some of the same missteps, but I know she has to learn. All I can do is guide her and give advice when asked. My youngest is on track to go into 9th grade without any issues. I am excited for them both. It is beautiful and scary to see them come into their own. I am dating a wonderful man. I've known him since I was 26. I knew then I wanted him. We were both married. He worked in every place I have since then. Neither of us knew though until we crossed paths again in 2015. Even then I was crushing, but I was scared and ended up marrying my second husband. We are together and started off slowly as one day at a time. Our motto is, "It's not the destination that's important, but the journey." I never knew what it felt like to not have to compete with someone. To be loved for me and having them continue to push me to figure out who Queen is and what she wants. He calls me a witch and I am fine with that, lol. I am truly happy with where my life is and where I believe it is going. Therapy and medication help, but so do family and friends. I've been through so much, but I am here. Optimistic and continuing to love.”

What have been some significant points of change in your life so far? ​How did those significant points change you?

“August 25, 2007, I was assaulted at a house party and I was never the same. It affected my naval career and my marriage. 2011, I was being separated from the Navy and going through a divorce. For the first time in my life, I had no identity. I was basically adrift, with no way to find an anchor. I attempted suicide. I spent 2 weeks in the ward at that, it was horrible. It was then, I knew I was alone. No visitors, no calls, just me and a few others in our pj’s and footies learning how to cope. I was 30. By 35 I was remarried and trying to make it work. We were a blended family. Like the Brady Bunch. I had the oldest and youngest, girl and boy while he had the middle, girl, and boy. 7, 9, 12, and 13, a clash of personality on all sides. That marriage didn't end as well, it was a lot of trauma. Some days I have some guilt and regret, but I hope in time it will fade. I have forgiven both of us as we both had a hand in it. Now at 40, both of those events showed me I am resilient and I seem to land on my feet. Everything isn't where I believe it should be but I am strong. I am trying to heal from it all. Therapy works. I am learning to be Queen. I never knew what that meant until now.”

Have your values changed over time? What do you value now?

“Security and safety are the values that have changed for me over time. It no longer resides with the material. I can be secure while being safe on my own. My safety and security run hand and hand with my mental health. I guess it is more of a perspective change than a value change.”

Queen’s family and friends describe her as passionate, funny, talkative, overly opinionated, loyal, and hardworking.

Her dreams for the future include:

“Professionally, I plan to go back to school. I want another Masters's degree. I am looking at a Masters of Science in Information Systems Management. I am also looking at some professional certifications in IT and Management. Personally, I would love to hit the lotto. Seriously, I believe I have hit the lotto in some ways. I am currently building my first home. I have never lived alone in my adult life so it is a huge milestone for me. I planning a trip to Normandy. I have been there when I was on active duty, and I would like my family to experience it as well. I want to just be happy, I understand that will look different as time goes on, but ultimate happiness is peace no matter how that may look.”

A myth she’d like to bust is that being a woman over 40 is “Elastic waist pants are not required though comfy. This 40 isn't my mother's 40. We are allowed to stand out and be sexy, or whatever we want. Age doesn't mean frumpy style. Life also begins over 40. You are no longer just a mother or a wife.”

A piece of advice she has for the younger generation is to “Only you can define you. No matter how many changes you go thru they are all you. No one can put you in a box. You are allowed to be ever-changing as the wind or the tide.”

Queen, I can’t thank you enough for allowing me the opportunity to capture this season of your life, thank you for being vulnerable, open, and for sharing your story. It was my honor to help you create these images of you, images that reflect the beauty, strength, and grace you possess and carry so well.

Much love,

Tamara